It is noisy. The TV is on, speaking in Arabic one minute, English the next. The hum of conversation fills the small apartment living room. The four boys talk about cars and about high school. They compare rules of the road, police confrontations and driving experiences. They laugh and talk some more. Their voices get louder and more excited as they talk about common subjects of high interest. The room swells with voices. It is hard to hear anyone, since everyone is trying to say what he wants-all at the same time.

       Alen sits on the couch listening. His arms are crossed with his elbows on his knees. He sits ready, waiting for a break in the conversation so he can ask a question or add his own words. Harvras leans into the conversation from the other side of the old, brown couch.  He is visiting the family this evening, keeping conversation flowing and fielding questions in English and in Arabic from both sides of the room. It is his voice that fills most of the room and the time this evening. Andy pipes in with a few questions in Arabic, but sits awkwardly in his armless chair borrowed from the kitchen. He rests his elbow on his knee and puts his head on his hand, listening, watching, trying to keep up with the conversation at hand. Ary jumps up from his position on the floor and screams "Yeah!" as one of his marbles collides with another. He is playing marbles around the feet of the conversationalists.

       No one notices her. She reclines, relaxed, in a brown armchair in the corner of the room letting the men's' voices surround her. She sits quietly, contently enjoying the warmth and safety of her two-bedroom apartment and the comfort of family and company. She smiles and covers her lips with her hands shyly. She is "happy", she whispers to me as she puts her hand gently on my arm. She is still smiling. Looking around the room, I can see why.

       Batol has many reasons to smile. Batol and her three children have come a long way together. They have moved a lot and have been separated for long periods of time. The family is finally coming back together. Alen, 20, is living in Moorhead and comes home almost everyday to visit his mother and brothers. Andy, 17, is newly settled and meeting new people like Harvras at Fargo South High School. Ary loves his teacher and is learning English far more quickly than any of his other family members. A mother's dream come true, all of her children are together and safe. She waits patiently and eagerly for her husband to leave his temporary home in Holland to join them in America. She knows it will be six to eight months, but she also knows he is safe, too. Only one missing link and the family will be all together again. Batol has many reasons to smile.

       Since the first time we met the four members of the  family they have been very welcoming and hospitable towards us. They have an amazing network of people with whom they can communicate. There are people in their apartment building who speak Arabic. Family friends have moved here in the past stop over quite often to see if the family needs anything. Andy's friends from school stop over and visit. Alen lives in Moorhead with a family friend from their home country. It seems there are always guests. And guests are always welcome. Each time we come, Batol and the boys greet us with smiles and "How are you?"s. The boys give handshakes, but Batol -like my host grandmother from France-gently squeezes our hands or our arms. There is always a little awkwardness, a little hesitation. It's like she wants to give us more than just a touch of her hand. I can relate. When I was in France, greetings were always awkward even though I knew, understood and regularly practiced the custom of bisous on the cheeks (sometimes, though, I thought a hug was more appropriate). Even after months of receiving us into her home, greetings are still a little awkward. Batol and the boys enjoy having people around them. I can see that they feel safer in groups. They are much more relaxed when there are many guests in their home at one time.

        Having an extensive network of friends and people with whom they can visit, discuss, compare, inquire, and learn from is quite an asset for the family. There is something about having a fellow countryman nearby that is relieving in times of confusion, frustration and miscommunication. They also help a great deal when or if experiencing culture shock. Same language speakers, too, can help to relieve some of the pressure of performing according to new cultural norms and languages. These networks are helpful to all people. The  family seems to make family decisions and thrive very well by having the network of people that they do. Their collectivistic tendencies are supported by the fact that there are people in the area that knew them and others that know their language.  I found it extremely helpful to find someone who could speak English with me during my three month stay in Normandy even though I come from a highly individualistic society. Being able to compare, joke, complain and ask questions about my new surroundings helped me a great deal when confronted with things that were difficult to accept. Having someone available to explain things is an amazing tool in dealing with culture shock. It's like having an on-the-job trainer showing you what to do or a therapist with whom you can discuss all of your issues and receive feedback.

        In thinking about our interactions with the  family, I can see them want to get on their feet here. They are motivated to succeed to make their life better despite the downfalls. Batol had a bad experience the first time she used the bus system when she was going to English as a Second Language classes. She has not used the system since, but she knows she needs to learn English to survive independently in this country and she desperately wants to be able to communicate. She is teaching herself. She is learning English by reading the papers that come home from Ary's elementary school, watching TV, and reading a small, basic English phrase book they brought from home. She tells me she took a required English class when she was in high school. She has a notebook in which to practice writing. She tells me that it is much easier to understand than it is to speak. I know that speaking and writing are the last thing that students learn as language learners. Batol has come a long way considering her education. She is determined to learn the language any way she can. I see this persevering attitude some of the boys, too. Alen moved to Moorhead because he is too old in North Dakota to be accepted into the high school. He will start school second semester. And Ary uses as much English as he can at home. He helps to teach his mother. Batol and the boys are working very hard to help each other so they can all communicate and feel comfortable in their new homeland. They are very motivated to "fit in" in America by learning the language and the customs.

        Their interest in language acquisition is clear; however, they do not seem to be too concerned or interested in acquiring jobs. They are not in any hurry to find a job to make money. It seems that they are working hard to live happily, not living to work hard. It is true that while living in a different country, it is often difficult to identify people in different classes. What is also true is that it is difficult for natives to tell what kind of classes foreigners come from.  What I noticed about Batol and her kids was very different than what my mentor partners saw. They thought because they had fled their country, they must have been poor. Their father is an electrician and calls from Holland more than once a week to visit with his family. Batol has never had a job. She was a housewife in Iraq and wishes to continue caring for her family and her home. I noticed when talking about shoes and clothes, the boys used name brands that were expensive and familiar to me. The boys knew a lot about expensive cars. They even talked about missing and wanting one to drive to work and school. One thing Batol still wants in her kitchen is a microwave. The family is a fairly fortunate family that is used to having many conveniences.

        One thing that they do not have that they patiently wait for is the head of the  household. It is difficult to discuss family roles when the two parents are not together because family roles are based on having parents together. So often roles adapt or change with the absence of one or both parents. I have observed some consistent behaviors with Batol and the boys, however. Batol is the care provider in her family. She takes care of the house and the well being of her children. She makes sure that the house is clean and that the kids are fed well and all are happy. It is Batol that is always the first to welcome us into her home. She shows us to the living room each time we come and insists that we take our coats off and sit down. She will then sit and as soon as we are in conversation and seem comfortable, she retreats to the kitchen. She returns within moments with three glasses of Tang for the three of us (no matter if there are other visitors or not, she only brings enough for us). After doing her duty as hostess she will return to the living room and join in the conversation feeling comfortable that her guests have been served. The men seem to dominate conversations, but I think that has a little to do with the fact that it is the men who have stronger language skills. There must be some kind of ranking in social class and in families, though not clearly defined.

        For now, Batol is the head of the household. It is she that makes the decisions for the whole family. I noticed that she does not hesitate to ask for advice from others and that she makes decisions with her husband's advice as well. Since her husband is not living with them (and has not lived with them for several years), she must also be the disciplinarian. I have noticed that there really are no rules for the children. Ary goes and plays where and when he wants. He kind of does what he wants unless Batol wants him to do something, then he gets up and does it almost right away. Actually if Batol wants anything after she has taken her seat in the living room with us, the kids will often go and do it for her. All she has to do is ask. I have never seen her upset nor have I heard her raise her voice. I have only seen her giving loving gestures like kisses, hugs, or smiles to her children. What is interesting about our visits is the interaction with the whole family. When we visit, usually all the family members stay in the living room, seated, during our entire visit instead of retreating into their bedrooms like my brother and I always did when there were guests. So, there is some power distance, but it isn't very high. From what I can tell, there are certain rituals specifically for the mother and hostess and certain roles for children that are to be followed, but they are not terribly strict.

        There must not be specific rules for guests to follow. The family never seems to bothered when people (namely three Americans) show up at the doorstep unannounced. The reaction is quite the opposite. There is always a loud commotion as everyone comes to meet us with smiles, handshakes and greetings. In fact, Batol has had to change her plans short notice because of our visits, but she never seems bothered to do it or to be with us. I have never seen her nor her boys bothered by anything. They seem quite easy-going and willing to do whatever the group decides. They very much are go-with-the-flow kind of people who have a pretty low level of uncertainty avoidance. Time is of no importance. We can stay as long as we want and come whenever we want. Actually, when we try to leave after having been with them for two to three hours, I always feel like I am leaving too early. It seems as though they are quite surprised when we only stay for a short period of time. To Americans, time is too valuable to waste sitting and talking to friends for an entire evening. To the family, according to Batol, the most valuable thing that we can bring them is ourselves.

       That is what she told us during our last visit. After she cleared our glasses from her new glass covered coffee table, we stood up to put our coats on. Batol put her hand gently on my arm, shyly smiling. She then wrapped her arms and hugged me for the second time since I have met her. This time was different. This time she kissed me quickly on the neck. I felt honored that she felt comfortable and willing to say farewell to me in her traditional way. That said a lot to me. She values me as a special person in her life and wants to show her gratitude by treating me in a way that she would treat someone of her own country. As we zipped up our coats and shook hands with the boys, their voices continued to chatter. Alen and Andy smile when I tell them to have fun and stay out of trouble at school. Harvras laughs a little and explains to the brothers what I said to them in Arabic. They smile again and nod in affirmation. Ary is now running his airplane down the hallway floor. He looks at us and says, "Bye-bye. See you later!" Batol reaches for the door and stands in the entry as we exit her apartment. I turn around to see her standing in the doorway of her safe, warm, comforting, now quiet apartment. She stands smiling proudly. This time she doesn't cover her mouth with her hands. She knows she has reason to smile.